The black cloud.

What is the black cloud? I can tell you one thing, it’s really freaking heavy. It doesn’t sit “on you” so much as it sits “inside you”. It feeds off your soul and while this is happening, you can feel it. It hurts. It drains. It makes you feel sad, useless and hopeless. It’s a heavy feeling in my throat. It’s a pressure that absolutely sits inside of me weighing me down. I hate this. I didn’t ask for this. If I could snap out of it, don’t you think I would choose that?

This cloud makes me ultra sensitive to what people say or don’t say. What people do or don’t do. It makes words effect me like no other — either they cut me deep, resonate with me, echo in my mind for days and days…the cloud just makes me react differently, in a different way than what I typically would under “normal” circumstances.

What is normal, anyway?

Normal is a lie. It doesn’t exist.

Normal is a fallacy created to act as this unfair measuring stick that we feel the need to stack our lives up against to see “how we’re doing”. It’s bullshit, frankly. I reject the idea of it.

Where I am.

Sometimes I feel like life is dancing and progressing around me and my feet are stuck in concrete. There are a lot of things that are about to change in my life and I’m not sure I’m ready. How can I be ready when at this present time I find it so totally difficult to accomplish minor things? I literally sat in my car for about 20 minutes people watching because I didn’t want to go inside of Kroger. When I got inside I walked in circles trying to find green peppers. How did the produce section become so overwhelming? How much of this are pregnancy hormones? Some days I feel totally crazy. I’m dealing, but geeze. There are definitely good days and bad days.

A tiny update for you:
Bella is breech and has been (from at least) the 35 week appointment. We have an ultrasound on Tuesday to determine her position (at 38 weeks) and if she is still breech they will schedule a C section. People keep telling me “Oh don’t worry, she’ll flip.” — will she? Right now saying that doesn’t help. What will help? I don’t know. Bring me food after she’s born (however method of birth that may be) and we’ll talk about it further. Stay tuned for more info on this. I smell a C section blog coming on if I do find myself embarking on that journey. There are pros and cons to each “type” of birth, so I’m not going to freak out too much about it….yet.

Also, I started a low dose of Zoloft. Probably wise since it should “kick in” about the time my hormones will be officially crashing. I guess that’s all I can say about that for now. I have my first therapy appointment on the 4th, but I’ll most likely wind up rescheduling because we’ll be having a baby around then (or sooner). I might just start in September. Or earlier, if needed.

Other random musings…
I think part of my struggle is that I need to look within to find happiness and be “okay” with myself, flaws and all.  I need to stop attaching my happiness to other people; what they do or don’t do. What they say or don’t say. Here’s a news flash, people aren’t perfect. Putting your ‘happiness eggs’ in their basket probably isn’t a good idea. How do you stop doing that though? I’m still trying to figure it out.

Antenatal (Prenatal/Perinatal) Depression. The lesser known, but equally as horrible evil.

Antenatal depression, much like clinical depression, can mean different things for different people — but it’s still considered depression, nevertheless.

Did you know that 1 in 7 pregnant and new moms will have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder?
…and that’s just those who actually stand up and be counted, right?

Antenatal depression is a form of clinical depression that can affect a woman during pregnancy, and can be a precursor to postpartum depression if not properly treated. It is estimated that 7 – 20% of pregnant women are affected by this condition.

Well intended people will say…
“Oh, it’s normal to feel that way!” “You’ll be fine, just take a nap and put your feet up.” “Everyone gets the pregnancy crazies. It’s called hormones. Welcome to pregnancy!” “You’re crying again? Awww. It’s just another mood swing. It will pass and you’ll feel better tomorrow. It’s normal since you’re pregnant.”

What is this “normal” that you speak of?
Some or all of these might apply.
– Occasional mood swings/irritability
– Being a bit more weepy/teary moreso than usual — crying over “spilled milk”, but not frequently or in a pattern
– Increased or sometimes even decreased sensuality (depending on the person, of course)
– “Pregnancy Brain”; occasional forgetfulness

So, what’s not normal then?
Some or all of these might apply.
Since I’m “story telling” in my blog, I’ll bold the ones that pertain to me, personally.
– Inability to concentrate and difficulty remembering things
– Common daily tasks (getting out of bed, etc.) seem like a huge mountain to climb
– Difficulty making decisions
– Feeling emotionally numb
– Bouts of extreme sadness – frequent crying/sobbing spells
– Extreme irritability
– Increased anxiety
– Relationship worries – “He’s going to leave me once the baby comes.”
– Prefers isolation when you are usually social
– Feeling alone, like no one understands
– Sleep problems that aren’t related to pregnancy
– Extreme or never ending fatigue
– A desire to eat all the time, or not to eat at all
– A sense that nothing feels fun anymore; not finding pleasure in things that used to bring you joy
– Feelings of guilt – “I should be happy. What’s wrong with me? I’m so ungrateful!”
– Persistent sadness
– Thoughts of death or suicide
– Not feeling connected with your baby

All of the bolded things are things that I have felt/am feeling, individually and all at once. I think it’s important to get that out there so people understand that sometimes it’s not all rainbows and sunshine. Behind the smile can be someone who is drowning.

The one positive that I’m clinging to through all of this is that I have always felt love and connection to my daughter during my pregnancy. I can’t recall a time where I was sad/anxious/angry that she was arriving. She’s my tiny person that I created. She’s mine. I love her. I would die for her. She’s amazing and I can’t wait to meet her. I’ve always been absolutely thrilled about her existence.

I am thankful for this because I know the reality is that some mothers don’t feel that love and connection when they are going through this type of depression, in fact…it can be quite the opposite with thoughts of terminating the pregnancy, indulging in high risk behaviors, and suicidal thoughts. If this is you, please first accept my *virtual hug* and know that you aren’t alone. Numerous other blog posts I’ve read say that there are plenty of Mom’s that feel exactly that way. The next thing I’ll say is that there’s no shame in asking for help, so get on the phone to your midwife/doctor ASAP. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, have a trusted loved one make the call for you.

Antenatal depression isn’t widely known or talked about. Frankly, we do moms-to-be a huge disservice when we fail to screen for depression and anxiety during pregnancy.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor to see my midwife. She has been “checking in” on me emotionally/mentally only because I first alluded to the fact that I might not be “okay” earlier in my appointments. Since then it seems like she put an extra “checklist box” on my chart that prompts her to ask how I’m doing mentally and to be honest, I’ve pretty much been glazing over it each time saying that I’m doing fine because usually on my appointment days I’m having a “good day”.

I’m going to tell her tomorrow about how there has been a lot of “bad days” and how I haven’t exactly been fully honest when she has asked.

I’m pretty terrified about it, actually. Hah. Isn’t that an oxymoron? I’m posting above about how it’s okay to ask for help and blah blah blah — but when it comes to actually doing it for yourself, it’s a scary thing. Such is life.

Anyway…
I have to share this awesome website that a friend shared with me that is an amazing resource:

Postpartum Progress | Together, Stronger

I’m working on climbing out of this. If I’m being totally candid, I’m scared it will get worse sometime after Bella arrives, but I’m hoping that if I can start getting some strategies in place beforehand and get established with someone who can help beforehand…we might be able to seek shelter before the storm. Hopefully.